never enough

I don't even know where to start.

Brent and I broke up on Saturday. I knew it would never work with him… I knew he would never - could never - be The One. But it still hurts.

I feel so hollow, in bed by myself. So completely and utterly alone. I hate sleeping alone.

Losing Annie is definitely the hardest part. She's the only creature in this world who's ever made me feel safe; like I wasn't entirely alone. He said that I'm welcome to come visit her any time - I'm not certain of how genuine or enthusiastic that offer was though.

Part of me is still processing everything that's happened this month - I've lost my job, my apartment, my boyfriend, and my dog within the last three weeks. I knew things would change with Spring, but I didn't realize how much… everything feels so terribly close and yet so unbearably far away, and I can't tell if it's claustrophobia or agoraphobia (maybe it's both), but I know it's something and I've never felt so terribly empty as this.

I'd be lying if I said Brent was the sole cause of this emptiness. I've felt this way for a while now… Annie was the only relief, the only comfort I could find, and now she's gone. Now they're both gone.

Brent said that I'm great - that I'm really a wonderful person, but more and more he found himself wishing I were someone else.

That hurt. So much more than I can ever possibly describe. You're great, he said, but you're not enough. I honestly don't think there is anything he could possibly have said that would have hurt me more. The break up, I can cope with. Although unwanted, it was not unexpected - I knew it would happen sooner or later. But when he said that… I felt all of the strength and the fight and the fire go out of me, and all that was left was emptiness. I've never felt so alone, so completely inadequate, as I did in that moment. There is nothing in this lifetime that has ever hurt me more than that one awful statement.

"I just want you to be a different person."

I'm sorry that who I am isn't good enough for you. But don't worry about me… I'll be okay. I'm better off. I'll be alright.