mommy confessional: baby bucket list

blue wool trench :: banana republic | scarf :: utah opera gift shop | blazer, dress, collared blouse, belt :: maurice's | tights :: forever 21 | booties :: shi | necklace :: american eagle | earrings :: claire's | clutch, bracelets :: bebe | chevron cuff :: threadsence
awesome hair by Dani @ Lunatic Fringe Salon in PC - check back tomorrow for details.

With 109 days to go until our due date, I'm beginning to realize the true meaning of the phrase "how time flies". Obviously I'm excited to meet our little Kumquat and to experience parenthood with the person I love, but the pressing doubts I have about my ability to be a good mom steal the joy out of that excitement.

I've gotten pretty good at owning up to my flaws, and paramount among them is an unabashed selfishness (mentioned previously here). I've always seen self-sacrifice as a primary tenet of parenthood, and I find myself wondering if I'll be able to toe the line between taking care of myself as a mother and just taking care of myself.

The truth is, I never really saw parenthood as a part of my future. Sure, I like the idea of getting married (I AM a girl), but it's not requisite to my happiness and the 'settling down' part never really appealed to me. Having a child requires a commitment of your entire self - one I know I'm not ready to make, but I know that I need to in order to be a good parent.

Though I've never travelled much, I've always said I have a 'gypsy soul'; staying in one place (mentally, emotionally or physically) for too long makes me keenly unhappy, but obviously the caravan is no place to raise a family. Maybe it's just the romance of the road, but I like the idea of spending my thirties metropolis hopping and writing my way along the journey. That is my dream.

So how do I fuse these two competing needs - the desire for adventure and the maternal instinct - into a cohesive mother figure? I have to believe that it's possible to balance these two aspects of myself so that I can both be happy and be a good mom.

I suppose it's time to find a new dream - one that I can share with baby Kumquat and her dad when she finally gets here.


baby bucket list

101 adventures to have prior to pushing out a baby this May.

1. Road trip (preferably to some place warm).
2. Finish writing this list.
3. Go hiking.
4. Put purple in my hair.
5. Sleep 15 hours straight.
6. Go to a sex toy party (anyone want to throw one???).
7. Stay out late with some awesome friends.
8. Rock some bold lipstick in public.
9. See a play (or another theatre show).
10. Watch every single episode of Law & Order: SVU.
11. Throw a party.
12. Land a few contract gigs.
13. Take Annie to the park.
14. Read a (non-baby) book.
15. Buy something pretty (non-baby related).
16. Accomplish something awesome.
17. Perform a random project of kindness.
18. Put together an amazing nursery.
19. Have a girls' night with my mom and sisters.
20. Write a book.
21. Make some new friends.
22. Take a second shot at something I failed at in the past.
23. Make peace with my mistakes.
24. Learn how to use my badass new camera.
25. Blog the adventure (at least twice a week).
26. Go for a walk with Annie and Brent.
27. Talk a walk - in the rain or snow.
28. Write a letter to someone I admire. Send it.
29. Go somewhere I've never been before.
30. Try something new.
31. Get a massage.
32. Sew something cool for myself.
33. Then sew something adorable for Kumquat.
34. Publish three articles outside of the blog.
35. Go stargazing.
36. Write something every day.
37. Finish something.
38. Watch the sunrise and the sunset on the same day.
39. Design and create some badass accessories. 
40. And approach a local shop about consignment.
41. Be honest.
42. Pay off my car.
43. Define my personal style.
44. Spend some time with my niece and nephew.
45. Participate in Earth Hour (March 29th, 8:30pm-9:30pm).
46. Wear something a little wild.
47. Venture outside my comfort zone.
48. Try a new recipe.
49. Help someone.
50. Try vlogging.
51. Write a fantastic article. Submit it to Glamour.
52. Interview someone I respect.
53. Watch the entire second season of House of Cards (due out Feb. 14th!).
54. Check out the Vintage Whites Market in March (see photos from last year's event here).
55. Write an awesome marketing campaign for work.
56. Take a long, hot bath.
57. Get a pedicure.
58. And maybe a facial.
59. Check out a new restaurant.
60. Go see a movie.
61. Go to an arcade. Play air hockey.
62. Eat too much ice cream.
63. Impress myself.
64. Keep the kitchen clean for a whole week.
65. Go 24 hours without eating any candy.
66. Then go a whole week without it.
67. Build an app.
68. Wear something red.
69. Find (and wear) the perfect leopard print scarf.
70. Volunteer some time.
71. Make a difference somehow.
72. Finish decorating my house.
73. Kick my soda habit down to one can a day.
74. Revamp my wardrobe.
75. Spend some time watching the clouds.
76. Go for a drive (just to drive).
77. Do something just a little bit crazy.
78. Finish moving my stuff out of my mom's house.
79. Come up with a brilliant idea.
80. And put it into motion.
81. Do something cool with my basement.
82. Find my therapy (outside of the retail environment).
83. Say I love you.
84. Have brunch in downtown.
85. Own up to a mistake.
86. Admit to my fears.
87. Be brave.
88. Go swimming.
89. Push myself.
90. Confront something.
91. Learn how to make cheesecake pancakes.
92. Cook dinner five nights in a row.
93. Rock some bright eyeliner.
94. Snuggle with both of my 'kids' in bed.
95. Say a prayer.
96. Visit a psychic.
97. Get to know Park City downtown.
98. Get to know my neighbors.
99. Get better.
100. Enjoy some quality time with The Boy.
101. Pick a name for Baby Kumquat.

Some of these will be easier than others. Ambitious? Probably. But that's kind of the point. Wish me luck.

Do you/did you have a baby bucket list as a prospective first time parent? Any advice for a newbie on balancing your needs with those of your child?